Where did it go?

Now entering my mid thirties, an uncontemplated region, I wonder about the validity of where I've been. It seems as if everything is becoming a shallow reflection of my early and mid-twenties. Where have all the good times gone? There's still good times, better times than the turgid, wandering and searching of those years for sure, but certain things aren't the same. Primarily the music, or the feel of the music. What has happened to my music? What has happened to the Xray cafe, La luna, Satyricon, etc. I know i've always been a bit of a crumudgeon, holding on to what has been, but this seems unique. The stage has changed and the music is now product. In the early nineties in Portland the Xray was the place for the disenfranchised, the misfits, geeks, wanderers and experimenters. Friday night shows, Big Daddy Meat Straw, Tao Jones, Hitting Birth, hell even Elvis. Anything went and there were no angles or molds. There were no rules. Granted it was the early 90's, lot's of flannel, dr. Martins, dude with long hair and shaved sides, flight jackets, all the insinuation of the punk repackaging that was to come, but it was still a Portland hodgepodge, it was still ours. The Seattle scene had erupted, Nirvana, Soundgarden, Mudhoney and Pearl Jam left everyone scrambling to find the next big band. We knew it was only a matter of time before the record companies moved south to P-town to sign some of our own brand of NW homecooking. Standing in the bar at LaLuna we'd debate wether it was going to be Completely Grocery or Drunk at Abi's, Hitting Birth or Tao Jones that made it, my money was always on Drunk at Abis. It ended up being Pond and Hazel, not bad picks, but there was so much more. Slowly the clubs faded away, slipping and sinking or quickly closing the doors. As the clubs slipped away so did the bands. The shows came fewer and farther between, rumors of break ups ran rampant, day jobs won out. You'd see familiar faces occasionally but only reminders of what was. Almost overnight though, nationally the underground rose up to meet mainstreet. Goatees, Sideburns, piercings and tatoos became de rigueur. More national bands came through, great shows, but not ours. I slipped out of the scene without realizing it. Finishing school and beginning my life of work. Everclear had become the national poster child of the 'NW' sound, by default mind you. Kurt was dead. Pearl Jam was turning into some sort of post punk greatful dead. Layne Staley couldn't stay off smack, and as Layne went so did AIC. Soundgarden, actually Chris Cornell, went from just looking California to being California. Mudhoney was never able to reproduce their absolute Stooges idol worship brilliance of Superfuzz, and all the others went their own seperate ways. Still those nights a few years earlier on the sidewalk smoking cigarettes, just a little high, were what we were really ever after. Rudi and Angie, Brent and Emily, Shawna, Shelly, Kenny and of course Heather.
Now its over a decade later. I don't listen to those bands anymore. There aren't many recordings out there. In that time radio stations have devoted themselves to their 'new' music, alternative music. As this wave of vanilla shadows those who cut ground before them we're left in the same boat as we were in '90. Teen Idols, reprocessed rock and fakers playing the role of the rock star. It seems that those posing now as alternative have influences only too obvious, posing in a manner that is too familiar. There is now a directive, a mold, a process in which to be alternative. Experimenting with form has been left to the avant and those driven by more singular purposes. Only the dinosaurs of eighties post punk remain, kicking and screaming, still making it their way, diy. Where are the dangerous rock stars? Where are the relentless, untiring, self destructive egomaniacs? Where are my rockstars?